The Pioneer Woman and the missing memo.

My friend and I had an in-depth discussion about the Pioneer Woman yesterday. We got into some pretty heavy analysis and came out more confused than ever.

For those who don’t know, the Pioneer Woman is Ree Drummond, a fifty year old Food Channel star who lives with her family in Oklahoma. Her wildly popular TV show is a combination of cooking presentations and segments about life on their cattle ranch.

My friend and I both admitted that we have no idea why we tune in. We can’t relate to, nor would we want to live on, a ranch and we sure as blazing saddles can’t eat the food she makes or we’d be dead; really fat first.. and then dead.

And that’s the part that drives us nuts: the incredibly delicious but ridiculously unhealthy, food she prepares with her signature dimply perma-smile. It’s like she’s stuck in the 70s and hasn’t gotten the memo that Velveeta will eventually kill you. Frankly, I’m surprised the network isn’t required to post a warning before her show.

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But let’s be honest..

I wish I had never gotten that memo about food dye and additives, cholesterol, carcinogens, cancer and coronary artery disease. Maybe I’m jealous that she’s out there on the range, blissfully..ignorantly..defiantly.. melting an orange, rubber cheese-like product all over red meat and feeding it to her happy, hungry, homeschooled children who just sauntered up to the table after a day cleaning up cow poop.

You wanna know what I made for dinner last night?

Vegetarian “meatloaf.”

My man walked in the door like Ree’s man, all dusty and tired (from mowing not wrangling) and all I could offer him was a bean and yam mash up.  Ree’s husband probably got a 2 pound rib-eye with an overflowing bowl of six-cheese-creamy-mac on the side. (Would be seven, but Velveeta doesn’t count as a cheese.)

I mean come on, you can’t underestimate the leg up this woman has on me!  When her house smells like cornbread it’s because a towering rack of those buttered babies just popped out of the oven.  When my house smells like cornbread, it’s because I’m burning one of my 1803 food scented candles.

Do you know what this does to a man??

Who do you think got an appreciative foot rub last night, me or Ree?

And so my friend and I watch her show in both horror and fascination (with a large serving of envy) realizing that this is what cooking and eating and mothering and marriage would be like if we had never gotten that damn memo.





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